I am good at taking care of kids. I've done a lot of it. When I was 10 years old I had my first babysitting job. I was a summer nanny when I was 13--true story.
I love teaching kids, reading to them, making their eyes sparkle when we're playing with bubbles, or play dough. I can change a dirty diaper in the car, using a minimum amount of wipes. I can distract a fussy toddler to get him to stop crying. I can push kids on the swing for hours. I can tell them the same story over and over again.
I can do nap times, bath times, time-outs, band-aids, car seats, play time, potty training, and ridiculous kid songs until your brain turns to mush.
I can do bedtimes and I can take care of the kids that climb into your bed, and do helicopter legs all night.
Before I used to think, "Sure, I could be a Mom someday. Oh yeah! I could do this."
That was when I was an idiot.
Because now that I'm married to a wonderful man, who wants kids, and the possibility is real--I don't know how to reconcile the idea that one day my heart may be walking around on the outside of my body.
...that scares me.
Because that heart has been broken before. And if it's outside of me, how could I possible protect it from all the things that could offend, or wound, or stifle, or hurt it?
...and then all the "What if's" crash down on me and try to suck me away.
and then I try to remember that I don't have to be perfect at this. And I can ask for help. And whenever it is that we have kids, they'll be the ones we were meant to have. And I'll cry. And I'll laugh. And I'll just have to get used to it...
After all, that's got to be how Heavenly Mother feels every day.
I love this post. You will be a fantastic mother and as your sister we will laugh, cry, and scream together through the journey. And when we're old our husbands will watch soccer games and we'll stand in the kitchen and wonder why we didn't do it all sooner.
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